My second week back in the UK. Back at home. Everything seems so surreal. Everyone carries on like nothing happened, but for me, everything happened. I went straight back to work, which keeps my mind occupied. When I am left alone with my thoughts, things get tough. Living without my Mum is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I miss her in everything I do.
I know that my Mum would like me to carry on enjoying my life and things that I love doing. So I try, no matter how hard it is. I started with trying to immerse myself into photography. I made an attempt to carry on with a project that was my life line after the first lockdown last year. However, this time it didn't work. It was too soon. The joy was suppressed by the sadness that surrounded my heart. Though I had moments worth capturing, my heart and mind were elsewhere. I realised that I had to give myself much more time.
When I came across this scene, I was moved by its message: "COVID 19 Spreading Fear and Heartache." It's an undeniable truth. There are so many people who have suffered a loss during this pandemic. My heart goes out to all. Even more now, when I am going through a loss of my own. Covid robbed me of the moments my Mum and I could have spent together. Because of all the travel restrictions for the last year, I couldn't fly to the Czech Republic to see her, to spend more time with her, to hold her in my arms. We planned to spend a long holiday and Christmas together this year, and make up for all the lost time. But it wasn't meant to be. It all happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. It left me with an unbearable heartache and an open chapter. Before I managed to read it, somebody just closed the book. Loose ends that I will never be able to tie up.
On a happier thought, one of the reasons I went to Sheerness was an infamous mural called Montgomery Mermaid. It caused quite a stir in the local area when it was first painted. For a lot of people it is like Marmite. You either love it or hate it. I love it. You can read the story behind it here. When trying to capture it, I heard a voice behind me: "No matter which angle you try to look at it from, it's still not beautiful... But is Sheerness beautiful?" In response to that I couldn't help but saying that it might not be beautiful but I still love it here. Thankfully, the man shared my sentiment. I am glad that some people do.
The weather and atmosphere on the day was grey and dreary. It suited the place and it suited my state of mind. I am sure I will be back again. One day, when I am ready to let the joy in.
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